On: Being Pissed Off

I can only speak for myself. And I am an alcoholic. So I don't know if this applies to other people, or "normies" as I like to call them. But for me, emotions can be incredibly short lived. 


This morning when I posted at 8 a.m. I was quite content, minus the fact that it was 8 a.m. I am not a morning person. Now, at 11:45, I am pretty pissed off. 


Well, to be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm pissed off. But I am neither happy nor content. To the extent that I felt the need to write this from the office in the middle of the work day. 


I'm tired, cranky, annoyed, frustrated. At least I think those are some of the emotions I'm feeling right now. But like most good alcoholics I have some issues identifying and naming my emotions. They process as "good" or "bad" and that's about as far as I get. So right now I am feeling a whole lot of "bad".


I don't want to drink. But I would love to escape. I want to sleep for hours. And eat trash food like french fries and ice cream. You will note that french fries and ice cream are a recurring theme in my life. They are my drink and drug. Along with sleep. I absolutely binge eat and sleep excessively as a way to cope with my negative emotions. They are my methods of acting out in sobriety. And I am so vain that I am caught between giving myself a break by letting myself eat to contentment and panicking that I will gain a lot of weight in sobriety. Because I've seen it happen to a lot of people. Men and women both. And, in my twisted mind, the only thing worse than being sober is being sober and fat. 


I don't know what set me off this morning. I'm upset over the boy. I'm disappointed by the ease with which he let me walk out of his life. I have convinced myself that I know exactly what he is thinking and feeling and it's all negative. And I am taking that negative perception and applying it to my own view of myself and concluding that I suck, I'm not worth a dime and I can't do better. If any of you readers doubted just how emotionally sick I am, this post should serve as proof that I'm as crazy as they come. 


I believe that whomever is watching down on me from above has my best interest at heart. I believe that everything, everything, happens for a reason. I believe that my higher power does for me what I cannot do for myself. But golly darn it (that is the PG version of the expletive filled rant that just ran through my mind) I cannot stand not having what I want when I want it. It is positively maddening. 


So, as I near the end of this post and the beginning of our staff meeting, I realize that I have come to no conclusions since I began writing this post. I haven't had an epiphany and I don't feel much better. All I can do is sit with this crap and wait for it to pass. And maybe indulge in those french fries I can't stop thinking about. And give myself a break. It would probably also be a good idea to turn off my cellphone for the time being, until I am on a more stable emotional plane.