On: The Boy...

I can't sleep, which isn't too alarming because it's barely midnight. But I also can't sit with my racing thoughts. And I finished the ice cream. So that means I can either read or write. And I spent the past 90 minutes reading so I suppose I'll write again. About a boy. The boy.


I met someone before I stopped drinking. In fact, I met him while I was drinking. Dirty Grey Goose martinis to be exact. Oh, how I love a dirty grey goose martini. Yes, love is in the present tense. I still fantasize about them. The thought alone makes my mouth water. I can't even look at olives without thinking about a nice chilled martini. But I digress. 


I met someone while I was sitting in a hotel lobby drinking dirty Grey Goose martinis and he proceeded to whisk me away on a whirlwind romance. But the details of that shall remain secret for the time being. That story alone is a week's worth of posts. 


So anyway, he whisked me away but now I am left, as I frequently say, wanting more. 


He is sober. For all intents and purposes we will say he has been sober for 10 years. And he is fantastic. Brilliant, sexy, funny. Just delightful. But he is also 12 years my senior and doesn't want a girlfriend. And while I don't necessarily want a boyfriend, I want more than what he is giving me right now. He travels a lot, which I can deal with, but when he is in New York he also decided when we get to see each other. It's not one of those "sometimes I request your presence, sometimes you request my presence and we're both happy at the end of the day" situations. It's more of a "he calls all the shots and I cross my fingers and hope he has time for me today" type of thing. Which sounds kind of pathetic, but at the same time I found it slightly thrilling in the beginning. 


I'm used to guys fawning over me. I'm used to them being at my beck and call and bending over backward to make me happy. And I liked the fact that he wouldn't do that. Because with all of the fussing and fawning comes enabling. The majority of the men I have dated in the past would ignore my alcoholism because they would rather have me drunk, belligerent and lying next to them in bed than have to watch me walk away because I chose the drink over them. Which I did every single time. And it was unhealthy. I liked that I had to work for this guy's attention. I liked that he called me on my sh*t and demanded more of me. In fact, he was a big catalyst in my return to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And for that I am grateful. However, I am currently feeling unfulfilled. And pathetic. 


Dating in the first year of sobriety is certainly a point of contention in the rooms. Some say wait a year, others say wait until you've gone through all 12 steps. I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to approach dating in sobriety, but I do know that what I am doing probably isn't a great idea. 


Guys have led me to drink countless times. I will get sober for one and when he doesn't give me what I want I'll say f*ck it and drink. I'll meet someone while I'm sober and when he doesn't give me what I want I'll say f*ck it and drink. Long story short, I am self will run amuck and it leads me to drink every single time. Because I'm a princess and when I don't get what I want when I want it my world is coming to an end and I have to drink. So why, you ask, am I entertaining the emotional entanglement I find myself in right now? Because I'm a broken girl who wants to be loved into wholeness. And while I am fully aware that no man will ever be able to make me whole, there is nothing like lying next to the boy at the end of a long day. There is nothing like being kissed and coddled after I've spent the afternoon beating the crap out of myself. There is nothing like being called beautiful when I feel like a hideous train wreck of a woman. But all of these are temporary cures for much bigger issues. Just like alcohol and drugs. 


So I sit here, anxiety and frustration coursing through my veins, wondering what to do next. Do I tell him it's over? Do I say something more open ended like "I don't think this is going to work" in the hopes that he'll ask why and I'll be given an opportunity to voice my discontent? Or do I shut up, focus on my sobriety, and enjoy the moments we do spend together?


Admittedly, I am fearful. I don't want to lose him. I don't want him to walk out of my life. I don't want to think that our last moments together are already behind us. But I also don't want to feel like this. I don't want to be an after thought. I don't want to think about him more than he thinks about me. I don't want to wonder if I would've heard from him on any given day had I not been the one to initiate conversation. 


I kind of knew what I was getting into when I got involved with this guy but I was expecting more rewards for my patience and understanding. After all, my father used to work in finance. In that industry success comes with the sacrifice of time. I am all too familiar with being put on the back burner. Which is why I always vowed never to date "one of those finance guys."  


But, at the end of the day, here I am wondering what my next move should be. And I'm completely stuck. It's only a matter of time until my discontent becomes anger because I have zero ability to regulate my emotions. 


Someone in the meeting today said that it's completely acceptable to wait 24 hours to make any decisions or take any actions. But as I poise myself to take this advice I can't help but wonder if I was feeling the exact same way about the boy last night, 24 hours ago...