Day 22

Hi, my name is ____, and I'm an alcoholic.


It's been a while since I last posted, huh? Interesting how I neglect my sobriety when my life starts to get better.


What's been going on with me? Well, my new job is taking off so I've been working a lot. I have been interviewing for a side job (this is an expensive city) so that's been taking up my time. And I've been attempting to distract myself with The Boy so that's why I didn't post last weekend.


But I ended things with The Boy last night so that should free up plenty of time to write. And reflect. And sit with myself instead of ducking for cover every time I feel uncomfortable or bored or lonely (or hungry, angry and tired). Not only was I giving far more than I was getting in the pseudo-relationship, I was getting too emotional over it. And now is not the time to introduce any additional emotions into the cyclone of feelings that is constantly whirling through me. It's time to bite the bullet and work on me. Perhaps get a sponsor and start working those dreaded steps.


For the most part, I am happy again. My life is getting bigger and better. But I'm also a little bit scared because it's happening very fast. And when my life gets better and I don't take the time to express gratitude and remember how broken I was on Day 1 the likely hood of me drinking again is exponentially higher. I have been in plenty of situations where alcohol (and drugs) were being served, and naturally the fact that I refuse a drink (or drug) encourages people to be more persistent in their gifting of contraband (why didn't it ever work like that when I was active?). But I have stuck to my sobriety and said "no" every single time. In fact, while the thought of a drink crosses my mind at least once a day, I seem to have lost the obsession. The thought comes, I acknowledge it, and it passes. I don't sit and fantasize and wish and moan and groan over the drink any more. I suppose I "move a muscle, change a thought." And what a blessing it has been. Because in my past attempts at sobriety I have cried over the thought of a drink. I have spent hours mourning the loss of alcohol in my life. I have found myself working through the stages of grief as though I lost a parent or my best friend. Kind of sick if you think about it, right?


But this time that isn't happening. I choose life over alcohol. So why, you ask, does that make me nervous? Because alcoholism is a sneaky f*cker. And it's when I least expect it that I end up with a drink in my hand and, eventually, my face on the bar.


So my solution will be to get my behind to more meetings. Yes, I must be brutally honest and admit that I haven't been to a meeting in over a week. Don't follow my example. I am treading dangerous waters. While I know a number of people who got sober outside of the rooms of AA and are happy, joyous and free I am fully aware that this alcoholic needs the support of the program.
*Note: One of my biggest pet peeves about AA is that some members preach that AA is the only way. And non-AA's are dry drunks. I think this is a load of bologna. I will dedicate an entire post to why I believe that there is more than one way to get and stay sober. 


So readers and friends, in conclusion you should be hearing a lot more from me. It is time to trim the fat out of my life, nix the distractions, and get physically and emotionally sober.


Oh, and happy 420 for those who used to (or still do) celebrate. It almost slipped my mind.


And my final thought for the day: keep your eyes peeled for blessings. They are everywhere if you choose to see them. And they might give you that little nudge of hope and strength that you need to stay sober for just one more day.